Slapped,

in the face. That’s how I feel right now. You disappear for almost 2 weeks, and then I found out from a friend, that you’re back together with your ex? I find it funny that you got back together with her, as soon as your realized you were fucked for a place to live. Maybe that’s just a coincidence. Maybe not. It’s just funny. Fuck you. I can’t believe this. “You’re everything I wanted her to be” Isn’t that what you said? Yes, it is. You also told me to have faith in you, because you wouldn’t let me down. Do you remember that one? I do. Well guess what. I did, and you fucking did. You will NEVER get anywhere, if you do not own up to yourself. Fucker.

For the past 4 days, I’ve worried. For the past 4 days, you’ve allowed me to do so. I still don’t know where you are, apparently in Calgary. I don’t know if you are just being an ass, or if you’re actually dealing with something that has turned into a monster on your back. I don’t know what to do. There is obviously nothing I can do.. Unless I wish to push you away. Where are you? Why won’t you just call. My nails are gone, my head hurts and my eyes have a permanent red glow resulting from my tears. But you won’t know that. Where are you? What are you going through? Let me in.

Re-cap.

You are “taking time to see which road to choose”? Baby. I am not an either or kinda girl. I’m a one kinda girl. I’m not the kind of girl who waits around to see if a guy wants a fresh start, or to go back to his ex. I. Am. Not. That. Kind. Of. Girl. For whatever reason, you think I am. Everything was great. Everything was going along find. We WERE taking it slow, we WERE just being “friends” and getting to know eachother. Why you thought otherwise, I’m not sure. Calling it off if pointless, when there’s nothing to call off. Instead of telling me the truth, you told me that it was the distance, you said it was the busy schedule. Instead of telling me that it was because your ex is back in your life and you’ve been spending time together and that you’re not sure where your head is, you lied. You Lied. You know you did, and you apologized. You even gave me a reason as to why you lied. That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me. You say you like me, that you’ll make time for me because I’m worth it, you say you’ll start making more effort. You also tell me that even though you’re not a “big texter” you think you can become addicted to it if you’re talking to me. You also say you didn’t mention your ex because by telling me about her, you would “phase me” or “trip me out” and you didn’t want to push me away? WHAT. THE. FUCK. Writing this out, looking at it in words, makes me realize how absolutely ridiculous it is. Am I seriously going to believe this?! I’m sure, if anyone else read this, they would say, “Taylor. You’re smarter than this. Do not fall for some asshole with a closet FILLED with skeletons”. You know what? If this was anyone OTHER than me, I would say the same thing to them. But then, for some reason, I can’t be in that mind frame. I can say that I’m not going to fall for it. I can say I’m pushing him out of my life. But then again, we all know what I will REALLY do…

Another ghost

When will something come along that will make me believe in something great? Everytime it’s the same situation. You make Me believe in you, you almost make me trust you, you give me hope that MAYBE this time it will be different, and then as if it happened Over night, you tear it all away, leaving an even more open and vulnerable, cracked foundation for me to live with. Lies, secrets, ploys, hidden agendas.. When will those become a figment of the imagination? When will truth, honesty, respect, dignity and love take the place of their negative alter-egos? I feel like I’m living with the hope if something great, yet it seems as if this “thing” does not yet exist in the world… If I’m simply waiting for a dream, waiting and hoping that the ghost of my imagination will one day become real, then let me float away. Let me float away, just like all the other ghosts have done, without even so much as a look over their shoulder.

Refresh.

It’s time to lay back and let the endless possibilities in this world flood over me. Everytime I hear the word “cannot”, it simply provokes me to do my best. So go ahead, tell me I can’t do something. Tell me I cannot be happy. Tell me I cannot let you go. Tell me I cannot find someone who will be capable and willing to take me for exactly who I am, and never second guess it.

Also, I find myself tired of over-analyzing situations. I want to be capable of accepting things for what they are. I’m tired of constantly trying to see the silver lining in everything. Sometimes things happen, and they are shitty. That’s it, that’s all. ….but is it? People lie, cheat, steal, hide and manipulate, every minute of every day. There is nothing anyone can do about that, even when our hearts are sending us countless warnings, informing us that everything we’re being told is nothing but a lie. I know you lied. You took 10 minutes to answer a simple question not because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but simply because you didn’t know if it was what YOU wanted to say. I know that. A tree could have seen that. Why you felt the need to lie, I’ll probably never know, and frankly? Sometimes that fact, absolutely, kills me. And here I go again, being unable or unwilling to simply let it go.

I need to let this go.

I need to let the past go.

I need to live in the now, and live for ME.

Vicious Circle?

Why does it seem as if the only thing the present does, is repeat the past?